Missing

Life is going to go on with or without you. Time moves on. There is no going back to erase the past nor can you literally re-live it. You can hold on to memories. You can look at pictures. But there is no time machine to take you back.
I sit here watching the hands of a clock move forward. Why is it that I long for the past? Why is it that my heart aches for that time and place that I've been trying to forget?
It's like I'm a jigsaw puzzle. Experiences and opportunities make up thousands of those little pieces that have come together to make up who I am. But my puzzle is never complete because it connects with the pieces of family, friends, coworkers, animals, and everything around me. The one piece that continues to be missing is the one that would complete my heart. There have been several that were such a close fit. I was so sure that the most recent choice would be the one to finish that part. But I have been left to continue the search.
But I don't want to forget him. The days have continued to come and go. I wake up every morning, take a deep breath, and follow the same routine. I continually look for things to keep my mind busy. I set goals for the future. I pretend that what we had never existed. I tell myself it wasn't real. When I retire to bed, I recall the day. I think about things I should have said or done, windows of opportunity that were open that I did or did not take, what made me laugh or what plucked at my heart strings. And then my thoughts turn to him. I close my eyes and recollect. When I close my eyes I'm somewhere with him. Sometimes it is so vivid that I open my eyes and expect to see him next to me, smiling and asking me what I'm thinking about. But looking around at the dark, empty room, reality hits. I sink back down to my pillow, sigh, and begin thinking about what was and what I wish would be.
I wonder how long this will go on? How long will I refuse to let go? I'm not the kind of girl that believes in one true love. I strongly believe in many "options" for each person. Some are just seemingly better than others. And the hope is that we'll each be able to find the best for us. It's so difficult to believe, however, that there is someone better for me, but I guess if there really is...well, he's going to completely take my breath away.
But until then, the clock on the wall will continue to tick and remind me that there is no time to waste. I still miss him. My heart beats a dismal rhythm. But life moves on. I must move on, too.