Missing

Life is going to go on with or without you. Time moves on. There is no going back to erase the past nor can you literally re-live it. You can hold on to memories. You can look at pictures. But there is no time machine to take you back.
I sit here watching the hands of a clock move forward. Why is it that I long for the past? Why is it that my heart aches for that time and place that I've been trying to forget?
It's like I'm a jigsaw puzzle. Experiences and opportunities make up thousands of those little pieces that have come together to make up who I am. But my puzzle is never complete because it connects with the pieces of family, friends, coworkers, animals, and everything around me. The one piece that continues to be missing is the one that would complete my heart. There have been several that were such a close fit. I was so sure that the most recent choice would be the one to finish that part. But I have been left to continue the search.
But I don't want to forget him. The days have continued to come and go. I wake up every morning, take a deep breath, and follow the same routine. I continually look for things to keep my mind busy. I set goals for the future. I pretend that what we had never existed. I tell myself it wasn't real. When I retire to bed, I recall the day. I think about things I should have said or done, windows of opportunity that were open that I did or did not take, what made me laugh or what plucked at my heart strings. And then my thoughts turn to him. I close my eyes and recollect. When I close my eyes I'm somewhere with him. Sometimes it is so vivid that I open my eyes and expect to see him next to me, smiling and asking me what I'm thinking about. But looking around at the dark, empty room, reality hits. I sink back down to my pillow, sigh, and begin thinking about what was and what I wish would be.
I wonder how long this will go on? How long will I refuse to let go? I'm not the kind of girl that believes in one true love. I strongly believe in many "options" for each person. Some are just seemingly better than others. And the hope is that we'll each be able to find the best for us. It's so difficult to believe, however, that there is someone better for me, but I guess if there really is...well, he's going to completely take my breath away.
But until then, the clock on the wall will continue to tick and remind me that there is no time to waste. I still miss him. My heart beats a dismal rhythm. But life moves on. I must move on, too.

The Color of Love

What is the color of love? When we speak of it, our minds automatically create this vivid picture of a beating red heart. Why red? To me, red means a variety of things that don't even come close to what love should be about. I think of the shade of red our faces turn when we are angry. And what about pain? I definitely associate the color red to pain. And isn't red something we use everyday while we're driving down the road? It's something we teach young children. Red means stop. Red is also used to characterize danger or evil. I believe we can conclude that red should not be the color to represent love. Moving on to blue, another primary color. This hue can definitely not portray love...even though it is my favorite color. Blue is often affiliated with the vast, seemingly serene ocean. But through close observance we can see the ocean to be tumultuous and very unstable. Let us take another look at what we describe as blue in our life. We associate tears and sadness with blue. We even use the word blue as we say what we are feeling: "I'm feeling blue." Obviously not a good choice to consider as the color of love. You say, "What about yellow?" Ha. Yellow. As bright and happy as a color it is, it doesn't feel right to place yellow as the sole description of love. It's too perky. As amazing as love is, it isn't without its moments of trial and pain. Yellow just doesn't seem to be the right fit. Perhaps love does not have a specific shade. Considering all of the colors of the rainbow, I fail to recognize a single color that can fully represent love. Maybe this is why love is so hard to explain. We can never pin point one particular attribute of the one we give our heart to that allows us to say why we love them. There are many things that draw us to that person. It even works the same when we think about the things that drive us crazy about them. Notice: things. Plural. Love is also not black or white. There is a lot of gray matter. For instance, it is true that you can love someone with all your heart, but it is possible to not want to be with them...even though you love them. This can be due to personal fears or bad timing. So if there is no accurate pigment of love, how then do we describe it?
I could give you quotes upon quotes of what love is and what it is like. I could give you pages of references. It's been said love is the universal language. It is everywhere we go. It is in everything we see daily. I could look at all the movies I own and I bet most of them are based on love. And music! Don't even get me started! That seems to be all we sing about. Either being in love or losing love. Crazy huh? Have you ever just sat back and wondered why love impacts our lives so much? I don't know about you, but I can't go a day without loving someone or missing love. It blinds me. It deafens me. I can try to think about other things. I can live life for the most part. Somehow it always seems to creep up and snag me. Have you ever noticed how much we depend on it? In the sense that when we feel like it's missing, we feel alone. We want it back. And I'm not just talking about missing love from a significant other. If we lose a friend, we revert back to family to feel loved and feel like we belong. And vice versa. It is instilled in us...no, we were created to not be alone. That is why when we're surrounded by hundreds of people, we can still feel alone. Love is so powerful that if it were spread across the world, wars would end. Contention and hate would diminish. But on the down side, it is also powerful enough to be the factor that crushes a person. I'm bringing in a quote now. Brace yourself. A beautiful, although repeated story, of a man and woman loving each other, even though it's frowned upon, is found in the script of Moulin Rouge. It is said, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." This is true. Once you've learned how to love and that love has been reciprocated, it is wonderful. You'd do anything humanly possible to keep it and hold on to it. The problem is is that it can be taken away just as fast as it was given. If one's whole world was being built upon this love and in one moment the love ceases to exist, suddenly this world crumbles, and all that is left is a broken heart and no desire to move on. So now the question is, how do we allow ourselves to love and be loved in return without anticipating an end, but also being able to pick ourselves up when that love dies? I'm not sure how to answer this. I have yet to find a way to not ponder the possibility that a relationship will fail and also avoid being hurt when it does. Experience has taught me that love is fragile. Love is so very delicate that one little prick to the heart can destroy it. But because of how we have been created we continue to seek this precious gift, despite knowing that we take a risk every time we develop those feelings. Where we will find love and cultivate it, God only knows. At the end of the day we have to realize that His love is the greatest of all. He wants us to be happy and feel even just a morsel of the love He has for each of us. There may not be a color of love. There may not be one sure way to describe it. But it is real. We have the capacity to give it and feel it if we will but allow ourselves to.